Propelled Into True Wellness: A Journey Through Loss, Grief, and Awakening
When 2020 entered the picture, my whole world flipped upside down.
At the start of the year, I was experiencing postpartum depression—something I hadn’t gone through with my first two children. I wouldn’t say it was severe, but I felt completely numb. Joy, excitement, and, most of all, a sense of freedom felt nonexistent.
Then, like a punch to the face, COVID-19 hit. The world started shutting down. But that wasn’t even the worst part. On the very first day of lockdown, a major health issue hit my immediate family that shattered my sense of security and forced me to confront my own mortality. Luckily the scare was mended and everything was on the up and up (keeping it private to be respectful!).
With the lockdown continuing on, my family and I kept our distance for a bit. After the recent incident, I realized that any one of us could die in a freak accident tomorrow—so I was going to spend time with the people I love and live life day by day.
What do you know? In October 2020, my dad was hospitalized after having a seizure. Days later, we were given the devastating news: Glioblastoma. A brain tumor. Weeks or months to live.
MY DAD. My marathon-running, health-conscious dad. The man who, on a daily basis, cooked healthy meals, walked five miles around downtown Plymouth, and snacked on cashews. The dad I could talk to for hours about my spiritual awakenings and wild theories about life. The dad I was sure would live forever.
It was unimaginable.
He passed away six months later, in April 2021.
Life as I knew it before 2020 was over.
Grief: The Unexpected Awakening
My heart shattered into ten million pieces. I cried and sobbed for months on end. I was grieving my dad but also grieving the life I once knew—the one where I could pack the kids in the car, drive to my parents’ house, have my dad cook us a meal, my mom play with the kids, while I relaxed on the couch, worry-free. The life where my family was intact, and everyone had a clean bill of health.
I learned that grief isn’t just sadness. It’s an overwhelming flood of every emotion imaginable. Gratitude for having the most loving, caring father. Anxiety from feeling completely out of control. Joy and laughter—both from memories with him and a newfound appreciation for motherhood. Curiosity. Disbelief. Peace. Anger. Faith.
The most unexpected thing of all happened:
I discovered a version of myself I had never met before. I could hear my dad’s voice in my head, guiding me, reminding me what he wanted for me. He didn’t want me to shrink. He wanted me to expand. To live bigger. To shine brighter. He wanted me to stop hiding the parts of myself I had been keeping small for so long. I wanted these things, and I could feel him rooting for me.
Life suddenly felt so short, and I decided I was not going to live the rest of my life by anyone else’s standards and expectations but my own. If I could withstand this devastating, unimaginable loss, then I could do anything.
When you’ve experienced a loss this massive, what do you have to lose?
Redefining Health
Then came the nagging, perplexing question:
How could my dad, a man who did everything “right,” die so rapidly of brain cancer?
After experiencing two shocking events back to back, in addition to the pandemic, it’s no wonder I started to question everything.
What kept popping up for me was: “What does it even mean to be healthy?”
For the first time in my life, I started critically thinking about health. I realized that multiple truths can exist, and we each have to decide what’s right for us. I reflected on what products I felt good about putting on my body, what kind of foods energized me, and what impact my mindset played. I was not going to measure my health simply by numbers, but instead what made me feel most alive.
Quick note: Be mindful of the information you consume around health. There are MANY different health perspectives, and some can be both true and conflicting. It can get straight up overwhelming! I see many people taking one person’s perspective as absolute truth. Whether you are browsing social media, reading articles, or picking up facts from your friends, I encourage you to take a moment to digest the information before you adopt the opinion. This is the beginning of critical thinking. Ask yourself:
Who is this person?
Are they living the kind of life I want to live?
Do they have the kind of mindset I want to cultivate?
Is there actual evidence to back this up?
Does it apply to me?
What’s the flip side of the coin?
What can I take from this, and what can I leave behind?
Small Changes, Big Awakening
I started small. I cut out products with fragrance (a known endocrine disruptor), soy lecithin, and food dyes—especially for my kids.
If you’ve ever tried to remove just one of these things from your daily life, you know how hard it is to find truly clean products. Bread? Soap? Kids’ snacks? Shampoo? It felt like a minefield trying to shop for simple, quality products. Most big grocery stores weren’t cutting it, so I started supporting small and local businesses that felt more aligned with health and well-being.
The more I woke up, the more questions I had.
"What is the healthiest way to live?" is going to be a lifelong question. I do not have the answers. You do not have the answers. Social media does not have the answers. The research papers don’t have the answers. If you tell me you have the answer, I will actually trust you less LOL. You know why? Because there is no one right answer. Health is a multifaceted concept. It is not simply exercising every day and eating high protein. While that certainly is a step in the right direction, it is not the single determining factor of good health and longevity.
What I do know is that how we handle life has a major impact on our health.
Unresolved stress and trauma manifests in our bodies as dis-ease. Swallowing our emotions, people-pleasing, numbing—it all takes a toll. Anger, resentment, bitterness… they take root in our bodies, creating tension, pain, and potential illness.
I realized I will never have the answer. But I adopted a new motto (I read it somewhere, so I can’t take credit!):
“The goal is not necessarily to add more years to our life, but to add more life to our years.”
Health, for me, has become about living—truly living. And discovering the foods and products that help me feel supported and energized.
Health is movement and shifting energy—not how many calories you burn each day.
Health is real food that gives us real, sustainable energy.
Health is healing trauma and wounds.
Health is getting out of your comfort zone.
Health is resting.
Health is forgiveness.
Health is going after your dreams.
Health is knowing you have intrinsic value and worth.
Health is being surrounded by people who love you unconditionally and hold space for you.
Health is knowing yourself. Really, truly knowing yourself—so that you can handle life head-on instead of storing it in your body.
Exploring these ideas of what true health means to you is where the real work begins. When we are firmly rooted in this meaning, we are less susceptible to genius marketing schemes and those beautiful, charismatic influencers!
I am going to start sharing some of the people, resources, businesses, and products that have shaped this portion of my wellness adventure! Be on the lookout. In the meantime, here are some questions to explore:
What is your definition of healthy?
Are you living a life that supports that?
What is one small change you can make today to move toward that?
Words from my father.
Dad loved to send us e-mails with his thoughts and life lessons. I thought I’d share one with you that he sent to us around New Year’s Day years ago:
Some words and ramblings going forward.
Reflections…reflect for a bit on last year, then let it be, let it go and move on.
Let your path this year include forgiving yourself
And others and
Gratitude, Equanimity, Acceptance,
Non-Judgment….He or She is really just like you.
Non-Resistance…. don’t fight it.
And don’t take Anything personally.
Don’t assume anything.
Keep an open mind in all situations..
Remain unwavering in your Love, Faith, Compassion and Empathy of all Life.
What appears real may not be what it seems.
Make your plans but don’t plan on it.
And as my cousin Al says…...Surrender
To the chaos. Don’t take it so seriously…. It’s Life.
Oh yeah, one more thing.
Don’t ever make the mistake of comparing yourself or your situation to anyone else.
You are it!!
It all begins
Right now.
